Warning signs that your faith journey support group might actually be keeping you stuck

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Here’s something nobody talks about in deconstruction circles: Sometimes the people who claim they’re helping you heal are actually keeping you sick.

Last month, I spent time defending deconstruction against those who confuse it with deconversion – church folks who see any questioning as dangerous rebellion. I still stand by that. Deconstruction isn’t the enemy, and it doesn’t automatically mean losing your faith.

But today I need to address something I’ve been observing in deconstruction communities that’s honestly breaking my heart: the toxicity that masquerades as healing.

When Support Groups Become Stuck Groups

If you’re questioning your faith, chances are you’ve found your people online. The hashtags, the forums, the communities where finally – FINALLY – someone gets what you’re going through. The relief of not having to pretend everything’s fine anymore.

But here’s what I’m noticing: Some of these spaces are becoming cesspools of bitterness that will swallow your hope whole if you’re not careful.

Don’t get me wrong – there’s absolutely legitimacy to naming your church hurt. Your trauma deserves to be acknowledged. Your experiences need to be brought to light. There should be accountability for the damage that’s been done.

But there’s a difference between processing pain and wallowing in it.

Meet the Ditch Dwellers

I call them “ditch dwellers” – people who’ve made themselves comfortable in the mud of their pain and have zero intention of climbing out.

These are the folks who:

• Rehash the same negative church stories ad nauseam
• Turn every conversation into a mud-slinging session
• Criticize constantly but offer zero solutions
• Make their entire identity about what they’re against rather than what they’re for

Here’s the brutal truth: Spending time with ditch dwellers won’t heal you. It’ll just teach you new ways to stay wounded.

Even secular personal development experts from Tony Robbins to Brené Brown emphasize the same thing: the narratives you tell yourself (and surround yourself with) literally shape your reality.

If you’re constantly marinating in negativity, criticism, and victim mentality, you’re not healing the wound – you’re picking at it until it gets infected.

My Personal Wake-Up Call

Let me get vulnerable for a minute and tell you how I learned this lesson the hard way.

One of my biggest church triggers? The way many churches operate like boys’ clubs. Men get to do all the exciting ministry while women are relegated to kitchens, nurseries, and casserole duty. For years, this pattern made my blood boil.

And I let that anger consume me.

I dwelled on this narrative so intensely that it started making me genuinely hateful toward men. I was becoming someone I didn’t recognize – someone bitter, resentful, and frankly, not fun to be around.

Here’s what snapped me out of it: I have a son. And a daughter.

I realized I was so focused on teaching my daughter about feminism and fighting sexism that I was in danger of teaching my son that being male was inherently toxic. I was potentially damaging him in my quest to address how the church had damaged me.

That’s when I realized I had become a ditch dweller.

The Real Cost of Toxic Church Masculinity (Plot Twist Alert)

Here’s something that blew my mind when I started thinking more clearly: toxic church culture doesn’t just hurt women – it absolutely destroys men too.

Think about it: Girls with “girl dads” get to be daddy’s little princess. They’re protected, doted on, cherished. But boys? They get “toughen up, soldier.” “Pick yourself up by your bootstraps.” “Don’t be a baby.” “Don’t cry.” “Don’t be a girl.”

Boys aren’t given space to grow emotionally. They’re taught that vulnerability equals weakness, that emotions are feminine, that their worth is tied to performance and strength.

And then we wonder why men struggle with emotional intimacy, why they have higher suicide rates, why they often can’t connect authentically in relationships.

The same toxic systems that oppress women are also crushing men. When I realized this, my anger transformed into something more productive: a desire to create healthier spiritual communities for everyone.

The Guardrails You Need Right Now

If you’re in deconstruction spaces, here are the red flags to watch for:

🚩 Energy Check

Pay attention to how you feel after engaging with certain people or communities. Do you feel:

• Energized and hopeful? Or drained and hopeless?
• Inspired to grow? Or stuck in anger?
• Motivated to create solutions? Or addicted to complaining?

🚩 Language Audit

Listen to the dominant vocabulary in your circles:

• Are people talking about healing and moving forward? Or just rehearsing pain?
• Do conversations include vision for something better? Or just criticism of what’s wrong?
• Are people taking responsibility for their healing? Or making excuses to stay stuck?

🚩 Solution vs. Problem Focus

Ask yourself: Are these people part of the solution or part of the problem?

Anyone can tear down. Anyone can criticize. Anyone can point out what’s wrong.

But are they building anything better?

The Questions That Will Save Your Sanity

Ready for some brutal self-reflection? Grab a journal and work through these:

1. Whose Voice Do You Listen to Most?

Whether it’s someone you follow online or the voice in your own head – what’s the dominant message you’re absorbing?

Is it encouraging, solution-focused, and growth-oriented? Or is it critical, negative, and stuck in victim mode?

Write down the actual words you hear most often. Are they healing words or wounding words?

2. What Conversations Are You Having?

When you discuss your faith journey with others, how do those conversations typically go?

Do you leave feeling:

• Inspired to keep growing?
• Hopeful about your future?
• Supported in your healing?

Or do you leave feeling:

• More angry than before?
• Hopeless about change?
• Justified in staying bitter?

If it’s the latter, it might be time to find different conversation partners.

3. Check Your Narrative

What stories are you telling yourself about your pain?

Are these narratives helping you:

• Process and heal?
• Find closure and peace?
• Move toward forgiveness and freedom?

Or are they:

• Keeping you stuck in victimhood?
• Giving you excuses not to do the hard work of healing?
• Feeding an addiction to being wronged?

Be ruthlessly honest here. Your future self will thank you.

The Path Forward

Here’s what I’ve learned: You can validate your pain without making it your permanent address.

You can acknowledge church hurt without becoming addicted to church bashing. You can process religious trauma without making trauma your entire identity.

The goal isn’t to pretend everything’s fine. The goal is to heal enough to build something better.

Look for communities and conversations that:

• ✅ Acknowledge pain but focus on healing
• ✅ Criticize systems while building alternatives
• ✅ Process anger while moving toward peace
• ✅ Center solutions alongside naming problems
• ✅ Inspire growth rather than enable stagnation

Your Healing Journey Matters

If you’re reading this and realizing you might be stuck in some ditch-dwelling patterns, please hear me: This isn’t about shame. This is about freedom.

Recognizing these patterns is the first step toward breaking free from them. You deserve better than communities that keep you stuck. You deserve conversations that actually move you forward.

Your healing matters – not just for you, but for everyone whose life you’ll touch as you become healthier.

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What’s Your Experience?

I want to hear from you in the comments:

• Have you noticed toxic patterns in deconstruction communities?
• What’s helped you distinguish between healthy processing and unhealthy wallowing?
• How do you protect your energy while still finding authentic community?

Your insights could be exactly what someone else needs to break free from their own ditch.

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Tags: deconstruction, faith crisis, religious trauma recovery, toxic positivity, healthy boundaries, church hurt, spiritual healing, faith journey, religious deconstruction, healing community