I’ve asked myself the same questions you probably have—What if this whole Christianity thing isn’t real? What if I’ve built my life on a story that isn’t true?

It’s a hard question. A vulnerable one. But it’s also honest.

And if you’re here—doubting, deconstructing, wrestling—I want you to know: you’re not alone.

This is not a post full of Sunday school answers. I’m not here to scare you with fire and brimstone. I’m here to tell you why, even after asking some of the hardest spiritual questions of my life… I still choose Jesus.

---

I Don’t Believe Because the Bible Tells Me So

Let’s just get that out of the way.

I don’t follow Jesus because my church says to.
I don’t stay a Christian because I’m scared of hell.
And I definitely don’t believe just because “that’s how I was raised.”

Those reasons don’t hold up when your life falls apart.
They don’t quiet the ache when you lie awake wondering what if it’s all a lie?

I’ve been there. Still visit there sometimes.

So why do I stay? Why do I still believe?

---

What If It Is All a Lie?

It’s a question I’ve asked more than once.

If none of it is true—if Jesus wasn’t who he said he was, if God doesn’t exist, if this is all just myth and wishful thinking—then what? What have I lost?

Some people lean on that old quote from C.S. Lewis:

“If Christianity is false, it’s of no importance. But if it’s true, it’s of infinite importance.”

But my reason for staying goes beyond that logic.
I don’t follow Jesus because I’m hedging my bets.

I follow Jesus because even if none of it was “true” in the factual, historical, apologetic sense…
I still wouldn’t want what the world has to offer instead.

---

Jesus Lived Differently Than Anyone Else

Here’s what baffles me, over and over again: Jesus had every opportunity to chase power—and he didn’t.

People literally tried to make him king.
He walked away.

He could’ve started a revolution.
He chose surrender.

He had Peter ready to go to war for him—a literal swordfight—and instead, Jesus healed the wounded man and let himself be arrested.

Who does that?

Fame corrupts. Power destroys. But not Jesus.

That’s not just admirable. It’s deeply compelling.

---

Paul’s Life Makes No Sense—Unless It’s Real

Then there’s Paul.

He had the status. The respect. The career. He was living the dream (by first-century standards, anyway).

And he gave it all up after one encounter with Jesus.

This man who was literally killing Christians suddenly became one—and devoted the rest of his life to the very people he once hunted. Why?

It wasn’t for money. It wasn’t for fame. He was beaten, imprisoned, mocked, and ultimately killed.

You don’t go through that for something you don’t believe in.

---

When Wisdom Becomes a God

Here’s something I’ve noticed in the deconstruction space—and maybe you have too:

Some of the most brilliant minds in theology eventually walk away from faith. Not because they’re dishonest, but because knowledge can slowly become a god of its own.

And once you’re the god of your own system, there’s no room for mystery. No space for surrender.

But the Bible says:

“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.”

That’s not fear like trembling-in-a-corner fear. That’s a deep, reverent awe.
It’s knowing I don’t have all the answers—and never will.
It’s trusting that God is still wiser than me.

---

Even If I’m Wrong, I Still Choose Jesus

Let’s say—for the sake of argument—it’s all a lie.
That Jesus wasn’t God. That there’s no afterlife. That this is it.

Even then, I’d still follow him.
Why?

Because his values have shaped me into someone I actually want to be.

Because loving the poor, the forgotten, the outcast—that’s a way of life I can get behind.
Because forgiving your enemies and turning the other cheek might not make you rich, but it makes you free.
Because Jesus taught me how to be a better wife, a better mom, a better human.

The world offers wealth, popularity, influence… but none of that brings peace.
I’ve watched people chase it all and still feel empty.
I’ve watched celebrities break under the weight of everything they thought would make them happy.

And I just… I don’t want that.

---

Real Talk: Following Jesus Doesn’t Fix Everything

Let me be clear: following Jesus hasn’t made my life easier.
It hasn’t erased heartache, confusion, or suffering.

But it’s given those things purpose.

If I suffer for the world, what do I gain?
A paycheck? A reputation? A yacht?

If I suffer for Christ, I gain something eternal. Something that actually matters.

---

So Why Do I Still Believe?

Not because I’m certain.
Not because I never doubt.
Not because it’s easy.

But because when I look at Jesus…
I see the kind of life I want to live.
I see the kind of love I want to give.
I see hope that actually holds.

Even if it’s all a lie… I still don’t want what the world has to offer.

---

If You’re in a Faith Crisis, You’re Welcome Here

If you’re in the middle of deconstruction, if you’re doubting everything you once believed… I want you to know this:

You’re not broken.
You’re not alone.
You’re not too far gone.

God isn’t scared of your questions. Neither am I.
This space—this post, this podcast, this platform—is here to walk with you through it.

So let’s keep talking.👇

🔹 What resonates with you?
🔹 What questions are you sitting with?
🔹 What part of your story feels unseen?

Drop it in the comments. I’d love to hear from you.

And if this connected with you, would you do me a favor?
👉 Share it. Forward it to a friend who’s wrestling too.
👉 Subscribe for more honest conversations about faith, doubt, and spiritual healing.

You’re not alone in this.